I’ve decided to write a blog entry about letters that will never be sent. Not because I’m hoping the people these letters are intended for will somehow accidentally stumble upon my blog and find the letters meant for them, but simply because it's a way of freeing my life of clutter. Clutter like hatred, regret, anger...also those feelings that often lead me to do something stupid -- uncontainable excitement, love that's not meant to be, a schoolgirl crush…you know what I mean. Some are plain silly, others are hurtful, some are just meant to be said but not heard.
Here goes…
1.) I used to love hanging out with you. You were too old to like the things I like, but I was never too young to like the things you found amusing. I miss the days we’d hang out in the afternoon, singing along to my sketchy guitar-playing. I miss coffee mornings and milkshake nights. I miss the mess you make in the kitchen. I miss the insanely loud speakers playing Beatles all day…What happened? I’m really hurt that we’ve come so far apart, I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I know I’m too old to bear a grudge against you but what you did was plain stupid, insulting and hurtful. It broke me. That one single decision of yours shattered my world. It’s like you don’t care anymore. You never look back. I don’t know why. Perhaps you’re scared to see what you’ve become. Scared that things will never go back the way they used to be. Scared that people won’t accept you into their lives again. I used to blame myself for what happened. But now I know how selfish you’ve become. I really don’t know what pushed you to take the path you’re journeying now, but I hope it’s worth it. I hope turning your back on all of us is worth it. At least for you.
2.) Thank you. Because of you, I am now an artist by profession and at heart. Thank you for the inspiration and for showing me the difference of a dog’s facial anatomy from a person’s. You rock.
3.) I really admire your courage. If I was in your shoes, I’d probably just give up and cry. I know I haven’t been good to you in the early years of my life and I saw you as “the enemy”, and it hurts me to think that it had to come to this before we reconciled. I’d like to see this cross as a blessing in disguise. And I’m thankful we’re okay now. I’m sorry I ever started smoking. I can’t quit now but I promise I will…I will, eventually. I hope you’re doing well. Please take care of yourself. I miss you and I love you so much.
4.) All I can remember about you is how you belittled me and my brother that day at the beach when we were about…5? How you thought we were selfish little brats when we were lined up, wanting to have a second serving of your lovely halo-halo, thinking it’d be okay because the rest are already at their third…and you asked with a suspicious voice and an angry look on your face “pang-ilan nyo nay an?” Well so-rry! Our parents never gave us halo-halo at home. So-rry yours had to be so yummy. It’s probably because of you that I have become too generous for my own good.
5.) You!!! How could you just come in like that, without warning, and just take my breath away? How do you know exactly what to say when I’m feeling down? Why does your smile sweep me off my feet? I really think basking in all this yumminess is a very, very bad idea. But what can I say? You’ve gotta be some sort of drug…Illegal and addicting.
6.) I admire your talent. And how doll-like you look. When I see you, I feel awkward. I feel like a big lump of ugly lard. If everyone looked like you, the world will be a better place.
7.) I wish I had all the money in the world. I’d call you everyday, because we really need to talk more often. I’d take you to places we’ve never been. We’d go to the Japan summer festival and buy yukatas there. We’d sit in a restaurant in Italy, eating pasta and talking about our latest crushes. We’d see the lantern parade in China! That’d be great, won’t it?
8.) I’m glad you guys are finally together. It took you ages to find you you were meant for each other? Seriously. Get married na!
9.) I’m sorry if I’ve caused you pain. And thank you for trusting me.
10.) I thought you were real. Anyway, we’re still not sure. And because I believe in magic, I’d like a mini carousel for Christmas please. And a bigger house so that it’d fit.
--end of part 1--
